Since i had nothing to do, and no intention to go to bed yet, i might as well take up some time for this entry, which i had long wanted to post, but never had the courage.
You know, sometimes i really hate myself and the things i do or say. At times, i really feel like a superb bitch and really felt like giving myself a tight slap,
Im not a very tactful person. Im in fact, rather blunt and never considered using the right choice of words. I can be so straightforward, hardly putting myself in others' shoes, never did spare a thought for their feelings, ignoring the fact that words do hurt people.
Despite knowing that gossiping and bitching behind others is a very sinful and slutty thing to do, i continued. Not because i really hate that person to the core, but because im angry, and very unsatisfied with some of the things people do that's against how i want things to be.
But i swear ive never said things that wasnt true, i never did put words into people's mouth, neither did i compose a story of my own. I just wanted to vent some anger, but yet, i did it in the wrong way, and i finally come to realise that i am wrong. And because of that very impulsive action of complaining and naggings, i found myself floating away from the group of friends. I named them, 'the barbies'.
I never did trust girls very much. I never did trust people very much in the first place. Since Secondary school days, i had my lessons learnt, and i thought it was like a once bitten twice shy thing. But i am proven wrong, because time and time again, history seemed to repeat and continue haunting me.
I chose the group of friends i want to be with, i chose who i wanna be friends with. But i had never come to realise that, its not all about me choosing others, its also about others choosing me. And i finally realised, i was never the chosen one.
Yes, i have great friends whom i know cares a lot about me. I personally feel that Eunice and i share a very special friendship, and this friendship between us, no matter how far the distance or how long we take to contact each other, there's this very special feel between us that will never cease. Its such an irony, because so many shits happened between us back in Secondary school. But im so glad, i found a friend like this. Always so honest, always so true.
I just wanna say, i never had any ill intentions of creating tensions or sowing discord. It wasnt at all intentional, it was just like a part of me. One of my very evil characteristics, something that i always wanted to change but could never change completely. Im really sorry to whoever that felt that was a victim of my evil mouth.
I know its retarded to say "i hope you will just forget about it and put everything behind your back, pretending that nothing had happened and i havent done such a shit to you", because if im the victim, i would most probably just snigger and walk away, pretending ive never known you.
But whatever it is, im really sorry and apologise sincerely to my dear friends out there, because im still someone, who cherishes relationships a hell lot.
Im sorry.
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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